Twelve days until eternity.

This morning, my Kite called me during church to tell me that the entire morning, he had been feeling weird. That he missed me, and not just in an "I miss you" sort of way. He really missed me. He missed me in a way that was more like he needed me. He needed me to be with him when he woke up in the mornings, and to be by his side.

It was really out of character for him. Not to say that he's not loving towards me or anything, but I'm usually the one that's an emotional wreck. When I see other couples together being cutesy and loving with each other, I have to focus my attention on something else, because it makes my heart ache. I honestly can't even fathom what it would be like to not have to catch a plane on Monday when the weekend is over. To not have to say goodbye. To sleep in and have lazy weekends, because we're not in a rush to do as much as we can together in the little time that we have. Sometimes, I think that it really sucks to be apart from my husband in our very first year of marriage. That it's not fair.

Then I remember how very blessed I am. How I found the love of my life at 21, and got happily married. How I've been receiving so much support and love from such wonderful friends and family. How even though we had a civil marriage, we're able to be sealed in the temple for eternity without waiting an entire year. How my orders got changed to Hawaii two hours before my plane took off. How if my orders didn't change, I'd have to reenlist for another three years just to be stationed in Hawaii (it's a three year commitment to be stationed in Hawaii) with my husband. How one year apart is so much better than two and a half with a reenlistment or three and a half years without. How it honestly could not have happened any other way, and even though it sucks, it's the very best hand we could have ever been dealt.

When I look back on everything... on how things happened and the way things played out, I know without a doubt that Rusty and I have been following the road that Heavenly Father had laid out for us. It's been so very hard to be apart from each other, but with every little miracle, I feel like Heavenly Father is whispering in my ear, "Keep going, you're on the right path."

Let's talk about sex.

I don't get it. I really don't. Why is it that the media gets bashed for flaunting skinny girls all over the cover of magazines, and labeling them as the perfect example of what women should look like, but sex is totally fine? Is it because being skinny puts down the self esteem of about 99% of the female population? Because I'm here to say that careless sex can do the same thing. What? You think that because someone has a sex life, that they're totally fine emotionally? Just go get laid! You'll feel better. Come on, ladies. Admit it, whether you want to or not. Sex MEANS something to you (I'm sure it means something to guys too, they're just less likely to admit it), one night stands are NOT okay. Get physical, and get attached. Careless sex is so damaging emotionally. Why are so many people letting it sell? Why is it okay?

Let it be known that I was a virgin until my husband and I got married. I was a virgin, and I was proud of it. I've always planned to be a virgin until I got married - even before I became a convert to the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. Why? Because I would hate to let someone else have a part of me that I could NEVER get back, if things didn't work out.

Sex is great, I get it. It makes you feel wonderful, and sexy and wanted, and wonderful. It's the "cool" thing to do. What? You're a senior and still a virgin? Loser! I'm here to tell you that the media is wrong. Your peers are wrong. YOU are wrong, if you think having sex is just a hobby or something to do to get that feeling of exhilaration.

I'm not trying to give one of those holier-than-thou-it's-totally-against-the-ten-commandments type of talks. This is me speaking out as someone who believes in love, not just for myself, but for EVERYONE out there. If you're not a virgin, that's cool. If you like to have sex with a whole bunch of people, good for you. I'm not judging, it's not my place. Well - let's be honest, maybe I am a little. That's just a little gross, do you even know who your partner has been with? Anyway, what I DO want to get across with this post is this:

If I had sex with my husband and we broke up, there would be nothing left of me. Yes, I'm that emotionally pathetic, I'm not afraid to admit it. No, I won't buck up and be a woman of strong character. I will not hide away my feelings and pretend that I'm not hurt and dying inside while trying to cover it all up by having more sex with other people. I won't hide who I am (actually, I just might, with a little bit of alcohol), but others might. Trying to cover up their unhappiness and scars by delving deeper into self deprecation and building up walls around themselves.

Yes, sex is great. But it's so much more than that. It's something special. I know how corny I sound right now, but trust me on this. It means so much more than a one night stand. It's so much more than an experiment. It's so much more than a high that you get. It's you connecting with someone else, and showing your love for each other. It's about letting someone in and trusting them in your most vulnerable state. It's showing someone a part of you that not everyone gets to see. It's a way to show someone that you love them.

So please. I am begging all of you. Don't let the media win. Don't let careless sex sell. Don't let the teens out there think it's okay. Don't let yourself think it's okay. It's NOT.

Let the Countdown Begin!

First of all, thank you all so very much for the prayers and thoughts. I got word that our YSA ward in Monterey fasted for us on fast-Sunday. They are just too awesome! I'm currently in the barracks over here in Hawaii at the moment, I've finally figured out where I belong after rushing around in circles. I probably won't get to live in a house until my Kite gets here (I'll still try!!), but I haven't been this happy overall being apart from my husband since... ever. Texas really drained a lot from me, emotionally and spiritually. I really thought I would never get out of Texas, and here I am. Yet not only did I make it out of Texas, I got my orders changed two hours before my plane left. My life is truly filled with miracles, not just the small ones, but the big ones too. It amazes me everyday that Heavenly Father deems me worthy of the many blessings he's bestowed upon me. Then I thought about it some more, and realized that these miracles and blessings only happen because of you guys. I know that none of it would have been able to happen without the love, and support of you all, our family and friends.

I was unpacking my things last night, and decided to pull out the bag of memories that I saved up from when Rusty and I were dating. It's funny because I really didn't think that we could get any closer than we already were at the time. I didn't think it would be possible for me to love him even more than I did back then. There's definitely something different about loving your boyfriend, and loving your husband.

It's not letting the other person go to bed upset because of a disagreement, and taking care of the problem right away, no matter how annoyed or tired you are. It's waking up wishing you could poke and prod your spouse to see how annoying you can be before they pay you any attention and get up for the day. It's being honest with each other about anything and everything, letting them know what's going on inside your head even though they don't "need" to know. It's setting aside friends and social activities to spend time together, even though you're not doing anything special in particular but staring at each other through a phone. It's encouraging each other to do better, and be better, always conscious that the other person's opinion matters. It's knowing that no matter what happens, the two of you have vowed to spend the rest of your lives together and being aware of what that means.

In twenty days, Kite and I will be sealed for time and eternity. If I had no idea what marriage could do to our love for each other, I can't even imagine what being sealed will be like. Where we are today, and what our future holds, none of it would have been possible without the love, support, and guidance of our family, friends, and God. Sincerely, from the bottom of my heart: thank you all so very much.

After our first weekend apart, I came home Sunday night to find this on my bed.