Maybe it's time for a rewind.

     It's been far too long since I wrote an update to our blog post. Originally I was going to just write a summary of what's been happening with us as a couple lately, and really, it's been months since we did one of those. So, briefly, here goes:

     Yain and I spent a wonderful Thanksgiving together following my graduation from the Defense Language Institute in Monterey, California. We were able to visit my family in Arizona. Then it was back to work at a new base in Texas for a month before Christmas, where we passed two busy weeks; still our longest time spent together since our wedding. A few difficult months later (whose relationship doesn't have a difficult time or two?), we were AT LAST able to meet up in Hawaii and make a home for ourselves and get settled in together. For a week. The Army sent Yain off to Washington for a language refresher course just after I arrived on the island. So that brings us to today. Still together, but still very much apart. But the sun is starting to peek out over the edge of the dark horizon. In just a few short weeks, we'll be reunited, and hopefully, after fourteen months of waiting, we'll finally be able to start living a real life. Like real married people. Doing real people things. Like going to work. And doing dishes. And laundry. Or something.That's what real people do, right? I guess we'll find out soon.

   Back to the title. Maybe it's time for a rewind. This is something I've been thinking about lately. Since we have a house located between our two bases in opposite directions, I find myself with sometimes nearly three hours of driving time every day. Driving alone is interesting. It seems to go in phases. At first it's exciting and new. Then the vibrations wear on you and sort of dull you to the experience you're having. Maybe you stop paying attention to what you're actually doing. Maybe you start to get sleepy. Maybe you zone out. After this phase you realize you're not doing yourself any favors by driving sleepily at seventy miles an hour in a metal box, so you maybe roll the windows down or turn the music up. Then through the course of your drive you exhaust every single one of the tracks on the album of your choice and you don't really feel like starting a new one. It's at this point that your mental state is kinda interesting. You chased the tired away with the wind in your hair, your mind is active now because of the void it's trying to fill from the lack of music blasting your eardrums into oblivion, and you make a startling realization: I'm thinking.

     Maybe it's just me, but have you ever taken time to stop a second and realize that it's been a while since you've had time to actually think about anything? In your busy life, how often do you take a moment to consider anything? I had this epiphany a few days ago while making the drive home, and I was stunned to come to the same realization myself. I have a somewhat hectic life. Typically, I'm up around 4am or on a bad day, 3:45 so that I can make it to where I need to be at five. I go to work, which in any given day may consist of taking online courses, going to a meeting, preparing to be dropped in water while strapped into an upside-down helicopter, studying Chinese, running a few miles, or cleaning a warehouse (Oh wait... That was just today). After all this, I'm usually home around 5:30 or 6pm, at which point I still have a few chores to do around the house before trying to get to bed early so I'm not too tired the next day. Don't misunderstand: we're all this busy. Some of you are even mothers, for crying out loud! Heaven bless your souls. And if you're reading this and don't understand what I mean about mothers being the busiest people in... ever... Don't worry. You just are clearly not a mother.

     The point I'm getting at is this: In our busy lives, do we ever take time to reflect? Do we take time to rewind this artificial clock we've set for ourselves that we somehow set to tick faster as it goes? Believe it or not, there's a person underneath all the things we do. We aren't just what a compilation of the activities we fill our days with. No, quite to the contrary, there is actually a brilliant and glorious being inside of us, waiting for the moment that we glance it's way, knowing that we will someday, and hoping that we do it sooner rather than later. Maybe it's time that we reconnect with the one that knows us best. Ourselves. Just today, on the drive home, I was thinking about this and had a wonderful several minutes, just imagining things. Silly things. Fantastical things. Dreams of mine. And I loved every minute of it.

     When I was younger, I used to spend the entire day playing. Just running around and imagining I was doing some pretty crazy things. One day I might be an astronaut, and the next, I might be a cowboy. Or a spy. Or a gymnast. Or the President of the United States. Honestly, who didn't play like that? And as I grew older, I kinda just... Stopped. I think we've labelled this as "growing up" and praise those who do it quickly. Maybe once we've achieved this "grown up" state, we tell ourselves that we're done with those things. But are we really? Based on my daydreaming today, I'd be inclined to think that we didn't ever actually outgrow this part of ourselves, but instead suppressed it by giving our brain other things to think about. We filled our time with so many activities that our minds didn't have any wiggle room within which to function.

     Am I suggesting we abandon our lives and spend our every day fantasizing about worlds and times beyond our own? No. But I do tend to believe that if we were to occasionally set aside some of the artificial things we fill our time with and reach back to that earlier, simpler time where the only version of us that existed was the real one, well... We might like what we find. Maybe it's time for a rewind?

Things I've learned from being married.

In General:

1. Your life just isn’t your own anymore. You are married for better or for worse. Make decisions that are best for YOURSELF and your SPOUSE. Oh, and don’t forget to discuss it with your spouse before making a decision on something, as insignificant as you think it may be because what you think might be best isn’t best for your spouse.
2. You know the whole don’t change for anyone quote that people like to throw around? Yeah. You’re MARRIED. If you want that relationship to last, you’re going to have to make changes. You’re going to have to suck things up and compromise. Setting goals for each other is a good thing!
3. It’s probably best to combine your finances. That way, there’s complete trust in each other. If you can’t do that, then why get married in the first place? Someone making more than the other person shouldn’t matter, you’re in it TOGETHER. Plus, it makes you think twice about spending money, because it’s not just yours anymore. Setting up a “just in case” or secret bank account is setting yourself up for failure, not only is it a sign of a lack of trust, but you’re telling yourself that things aren’t going to work and you need a way out.
4. If things get rough, and you disagree about something, and you’re both upset, walking away is NOT the best option. MARRIAGE isn’t something that you should walk away from. It takes TONS of work, every single day. Remember WHY you got married, and put in the effort to make things work.
5. Don’t ever put your spouse down. EVER. This person should be your best friend, your other half, your team mate in everything that you do. No one will ever be more important than the person you married. So be encouraging and supportive. You’re helping each other progress and become not just a better spouse, but a better person in general.

About being apart:

1. Every single trip possible to see each other is necessary. If you have the money, make it happen. If you don’t have the money, find a way to make it happen. Whether it’s for a weekend, or a week. At the very least, TRY.
2. Sometimes you just need to pick a weekend, and roll around in bed together watching Netflix over FaceTime or Skype. Spend as much quality time together as possible. Just because you’re apart doesn’t mean you don’t have to put in effort to make time for each other.
3. If you’re sad, go ahead and cry your heart out. Even if you end up crying every week. Don’t hide it and cry yourself to sleep, it will just make you even more upset and possibly agitated at your spouse. Voice your sadness. This is something you have to work out together.
4. Cute little surprises for each other is vital. Whether it’s a nice good morning text, or a video telling your spouse how much you miss them. It makes you feel special and loved.
5. It sucks. Plain and simple. I give props to anyone else who has gone through their initial years of marriage separated. Thank goodness the time apart we have will only be our first year of marriage.

About Rusty Porter:

1. His sleep is very valuable. I’d say he were like a bear, but they have hibernating seasons, Rusty has hibernating weekends. Don’t disturb when he’s sleepy.
2. I have never met someone as patient and genuinely curious as he is. He might get upset or confused, but he doesn’t get impatient. He doesn’t stop pestering me until he knows that I’m okay, and if he doesn’t understand something, he will try his best until he does.
3. He absolutely loves his bestfriends. I had no idea fantasy football was a "thing"!
4. Definitely a rule follower, but the good kind. He does the right thing, even when no one is watching, or cares. Believe me, I've tried to get him to break the rules!
5. There is no amount of malicious intent in his bones. Zero. Zip. Zilch.

It’s only been a little under six months, but I’ve learned a lot. Just thought I'd write down a little bit of it.

If I told you that prophets roamed the earth today...

I realized that it's been a seriously long time since I stood up and bore my testimony in sacrament, and I've been told that the best way to keep your testimony, is to bear it continuously. I know this isn't church, and it's definitely not Fast and Testimony Sunday, but I feel like this blog is as good as any other place to bear my testimony, in the presence of my friends and family.

My life has always been full of miracles. When I was five years old, I got bit in the face by a rotweiler, and survived with a tiny scar on my face today that's barely noticeable. In the seventh grade, I snoozed on my alarm for the last day of school before winter break, and woke up again to the sounds of my brother screaming that our house was burning down. We all survived. In Basic Combat Training, I had stress fractures on my pelvis and lower back. I didn't think I was ever going to make it through and get out of there, but after seven months, I succeeded. Throughout all those trials and victories, I never really thanked God. I didn't believe He existed, and if He did, I certainly didn't believe that He cared. None of my Christian friends could get through to me. Why else would the world be in so much misery? Why would someone put me on this Earth, knowing that in the future, I would have no desire to live? What kind of agency is Heaven or Hell? I guess you can say that eventually, I had a personal vendetta against God.

So what happened? What changed? I discovered the truth. I searched for it with real intent, and I listened with an open mind. Things started making sense. My questions that no one else could have answered before started getting answered. My anger and hurt faded, and was replaced with happiness and love. Eventually, the damage I intentionally caused myself started to fade out of existence and I became at peace with the world. I was no longer a self-destructive person. On May 20, 2012, I got baptized and was confirmed a member into The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, and since then I have been blessed tenfold, and then some.

And I will give unto thee the keys of the kingdom of heaven: and whatsoever thou shalt bind on earth shall be bound in heaven: and whatsoever thou shalt loose on earth shall be loosed in heaven. - Matthew 16:19

Last Saturday, August 31st, 2013 I was endowed and sealed for time and eternity to my husband, Russell Martin Porter in the Oakland, CA temple.

I'm a proud Mormon, and thankful for the knowledge that I have received. I believe not only that the Bible is the true word of God as long as it is translated correctly, but that The Book of Mormon, written by Mormon and translated into English by Joseph Smith is also the true word of God. I believe that there are living prophets in these latter days, rivaling the prophets of old, and that Joseph Smith is one of them. I believe that the old church of Jesus Christ has once again been restored on Earth today, and that it is The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, the one and true church. I believe that anyone, absolutely anyone, that truly seeks the truth will find it in the pages of The Book of Mormon. I believe in the truth, and I know it is true, because I have prayed, and my prayers have been answered by my own personal revelation. 

Twelve days until eternity.

This morning, my Kite called me during church to tell me that the entire morning, he had been feeling weird. That he missed me, and not just in an "I miss you" sort of way. He really missed me. He missed me in a way that was more like he needed me. He needed me to be with him when he woke up in the mornings, and to be by his side.

It was really out of character for him. Not to say that he's not loving towards me or anything, but I'm usually the one that's an emotional wreck. When I see other couples together being cutesy and loving with each other, I have to focus my attention on something else, because it makes my heart ache. I honestly can't even fathom what it would be like to not have to catch a plane on Monday when the weekend is over. To not have to say goodbye. To sleep in and have lazy weekends, because we're not in a rush to do as much as we can together in the little time that we have. Sometimes, I think that it really sucks to be apart from my husband in our very first year of marriage. That it's not fair.

Then I remember how very blessed I am. How I found the love of my life at 21, and got happily married. How I've been receiving so much support and love from such wonderful friends and family. How even though we had a civil marriage, we're able to be sealed in the temple for eternity without waiting an entire year. How my orders got changed to Hawaii two hours before my plane took off. How if my orders didn't change, I'd have to reenlist for another three years just to be stationed in Hawaii (it's a three year commitment to be stationed in Hawaii) with my husband. How one year apart is so much better than two and a half with a reenlistment or three and a half years without. How it honestly could not have happened any other way, and even though it sucks, it's the very best hand we could have ever been dealt.

When I look back on everything... on how things happened and the way things played out, I know without a doubt that Rusty and I have been following the road that Heavenly Father had laid out for us. It's been so very hard to be apart from each other, but with every little miracle, I feel like Heavenly Father is whispering in my ear, "Keep going, you're on the right path."

Let's talk about sex.

I don't get it. I really don't. Why is it that the media gets bashed for flaunting skinny girls all over the cover of magazines, and labeling them as the perfect example of what women should look like, but sex is totally fine? Is it because being skinny puts down the self esteem of about 99% of the female population? Because I'm here to say that careless sex can do the same thing. What? You think that because someone has a sex life, that they're totally fine emotionally? Just go get laid! You'll feel better. Come on, ladies. Admit it, whether you want to or not. Sex MEANS something to you (I'm sure it means something to guys too, they're just less likely to admit it), one night stands are NOT okay. Get physical, and get attached. Careless sex is so damaging emotionally. Why are so many people letting it sell? Why is it okay?

Let it be known that I was a virgin until my husband and I got married. I was a virgin, and I was proud of it. I've always planned to be a virgin until I got married - even before I became a convert to the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. Why? Because I would hate to let someone else have a part of me that I could NEVER get back, if things didn't work out.

Sex is great, I get it. It makes you feel wonderful, and sexy and wanted, and wonderful. It's the "cool" thing to do. What? You're a senior and still a virgin? Loser! I'm here to tell you that the media is wrong. Your peers are wrong. YOU are wrong, if you think having sex is just a hobby or something to do to get that feeling of exhilaration.

I'm not trying to give one of those holier-than-thou-it's-totally-against-the-ten-commandments type of talks. This is me speaking out as someone who believes in love, not just for myself, but for EVERYONE out there. If you're not a virgin, that's cool. If you like to have sex with a whole bunch of people, good for you. I'm not judging, it's not my place. Well - let's be honest, maybe I am a little. That's just a little gross, do you even know who your partner has been with? Anyway, what I DO want to get across with this post is this:

If I had sex with my husband and we broke up, there would be nothing left of me. Yes, I'm that emotionally pathetic, I'm not afraid to admit it. No, I won't buck up and be a woman of strong character. I will not hide away my feelings and pretend that I'm not hurt and dying inside while trying to cover it all up by having more sex with other people. I won't hide who I am (actually, I just might, with a little bit of alcohol), but others might. Trying to cover up their unhappiness and scars by delving deeper into self deprecation and building up walls around themselves.

Yes, sex is great. But it's so much more than that. It's something special. I know how corny I sound right now, but trust me on this. It means so much more than a one night stand. It's so much more than an experiment. It's so much more than a high that you get. It's you connecting with someone else, and showing your love for each other. It's about letting someone in and trusting them in your most vulnerable state. It's showing someone a part of you that not everyone gets to see. It's a way to show someone that you love them.

So please. I am begging all of you. Don't let the media win. Don't let careless sex sell. Don't let the teens out there think it's okay. Don't let yourself think it's okay. It's NOT.

Let the Countdown Begin!

First of all, thank you all so very much for the prayers and thoughts. I got word that our YSA ward in Monterey fasted for us on fast-Sunday. They are just too awesome! I'm currently in the barracks over here in Hawaii at the moment, I've finally figured out where I belong after rushing around in circles. I probably won't get to live in a house until my Kite gets here (I'll still try!!), but I haven't been this happy overall being apart from my husband since... ever. Texas really drained a lot from me, emotionally and spiritually. I really thought I would never get out of Texas, and here I am. Yet not only did I make it out of Texas, I got my orders changed two hours before my plane left. My life is truly filled with miracles, not just the small ones, but the big ones too. It amazes me everyday that Heavenly Father deems me worthy of the many blessings he's bestowed upon me. Then I thought about it some more, and realized that these miracles and blessings only happen because of you guys. I know that none of it would have been able to happen without the love, and support of you all, our family and friends.

I was unpacking my things last night, and decided to pull out the bag of memories that I saved up from when Rusty and I were dating. It's funny because I really didn't think that we could get any closer than we already were at the time. I didn't think it would be possible for me to love him even more than I did back then. There's definitely something different about loving your boyfriend, and loving your husband.

It's not letting the other person go to bed upset because of a disagreement, and taking care of the problem right away, no matter how annoyed or tired you are. It's waking up wishing you could poke and prod your spouse to see how annoying you can be before they pay you any attention and get up for the day. It's being honest with each other about anything and everything, letting them know what's going on inside your head even though they don't "need" to know. It's setting aside friends and social activities to spend time together, even though you're not doing anything special in particular but staring at each other through a phone. It's encouraging each other to do better, and be better, always conscious that the other person's opinion matters. It's knowing that no matter what happens, the two of you have vowed to spend the rest of your lives together and being aware of what that means.

In twenty days, Kite and I will be sealed for time and eternity. If I had no idea what marriage could do to our love for each other, I can't even imagine what being sealed will be like. Where we are today, and what our future holds, none of it would have been possible without the love, support, and guidance of our family, friends, and God. Sincerely, from the bottom of my heart: thank you all so very much.

After our first weekend apart, I came home Sunday night to find this on my bed.

The Small Things

This post is gonna be short I suppose. I've been feeling grateful for the flood of blessings recently. Thanks for the prayers everyone. It's said that you don't understand what you have until it's gone. That's true. But it isn't true that we can't appreciate things while we have them. Even the small things.

Before you get married, you tend to (or at least I did) think of the big things. Wedding. Kids. Finances. Goals... And those are really important things to consider and discuss with your spouse. I've been so glad on several occasions that we figured most of those things out before tying the knot, because it has made a huge difference in our happiness as a married couple today. Being on the same page is SO IMPORTANT.

What I didn't think of though, are the things that've been on my mind lately. The small things. Before we were married, I didn't stop to consider the times I'd be sunburned and she'd tenderly cover me with Aloe Vera. Nor did I ever imagine I'd be staying up late with her on FaceTime when she's sick and can't sleep, knowing that I can't do anything for her but just give her my time. I skipped over thinking of the songs we'd sing in the car, or the long conversations we'd have. The inside jokes. The moral support. The fun we'd get out of making silly faces at each other. The way she'd remember my favorite appetizer, or the way I'd know her favorite TV shows. I couldn't have imagined these things before, and now that I have them, I don't want to let them slip away unnoticed. The small things. The things that make life worth living. Because at the end of the day, it isn't the car we bought (which I love, by the way), or how much we've got in our savings that really makes me happy. It's those little daily interactions that we take in our stride. Those are the things that bring me the joy I seek.

Thank God for the small things -- And for my Nana. Without her, I'd never enjoy them.